Lost

Last week, my Dropbox popped up and told me it was nearly full. The horror of horrors for someone who writes as much as I do and has most of it backed up on Dropbox for safekeeping. So, this notification forced me to abandon all other activities in favour of going through all of my files - many of which I hadn’t edited in years - and see which ones I needed and which ones I didn’t. Given there was over 100 files, it was a pretty colossal task. Obviously, this wasn’t a simple sort; there were so many different things to consider as I sorted through. If I didn’t need it right now, would I need it in future? Would I be able to reuse some old/ outdated stuff in my current work? Were there some ideas amongst them that were valid?

By the time I was finished sorting, I’ll admit I was pretty exhausted and probably not paying as much attention as I should have.

This week, I decided would be a good week to get back into the pattern of blogging. I’ve been busy enough to put off writing a post for the past few weeks, so now that my schedules cleared up again, I thought it would be a good idea to get back into it.

Usually after I’ve had a break from blogging for whatever reason, I read back through my old posts and drafts for ideas and to get a feel for what to write. It generally helps me get back into flow.

So, I went to the file location on my Dropbox where I would usually find my blog content for inspiration… and there was nothing there.

This immediately sent me into a panic. There’s no way I could have deleted all that content, right? In what world would I have thought that was a good idea?

I scanned every possible folder in my Dropbox, then began trawling through the various titbit files I dare to keep on my laptop hard drive (after a bad experience with my last laptop where I nearly lost two novels worth of work because of an unscheduled reboot, I don’t really trust my laptop to save work these days). I even went through my whole recycle bin backup in a desperate desire to find any trace of my work.

All these searches turned up nothing.

After a mini breakdown when I had reconciled myself to the idea the work was gone, I looked back at this blank screen and was about to close it down. Without all my content, both the things I had been meaning to post and the stuff I’ve already posted, I’ll be honest to say that I felt quite lost.

So, how come you’re reading this now? Because despite having nothing to work with, I took a deep breath and began to type. No, I didn’t really have an idea of where I was going with the post or how it would turn out, but I embraced that lost feeling and carried on regardless.

As I reflect, I think it’s ok to feel lost sometimes. Heck, we all lose ourselves sometimes - we make mistakes that take us a while to bounce back from, we forget what makes us special, or we even just need to open ourselves up to change and feel a bit lost on that journey. Right now, as the world is slowly trying to return to a society that resembles what we identify as “normal”, it can be really easy to feel lost. As far as I’m concerned, we all feel at least a little confused about the next step forward. I myself feel a bit daunted and lost when I think about what’s to come in the next few months - my second year will begin but not in a way I could ever have possibly imagined it. As someone who always likes to have a plan and be able to see what’s ahead, it scares me that I don’t know much about what happens next for me. In terms of uni, or life in general really. A lot of my peers seem to me to be a lot more certain about things than I am, and that admittedly makes me feel lost.

But the thing about feeling lost is that you have two options; retreat into yourself and don’t even try to move forward, which in my experience often makes the situation worse, or find the courage to keep going despite the lack of a clear destination.

I wrote most of this post before a sudden thought occurred to me; I hadn’t checked my memory stick. Sure, I only ever put my uni stuff on there, but as I don’t trust my laptop hard drive and my Dropbox was full, maybe I thought my memory stick was my best back up?

Turns out, that thought was right.

Having found the files, I went through them, reassuring myself that I was on the right track. After all that undue anxiety, I was fine all on my own. Because there isn’t some secret correct formula for this; it’s all about expressing yourself in whatever way you can.

And I came away thinking that it’s ok to feel a bit lost in whatever situation you face, as long as you keep moving forward with the hope and knowledge that one day you’ll feel found again. Parts of this past year have helped me uncover a lot about myself but still left me feeling a bit lost, but regardless I've kept moving forward.

Maybe I’m not sure of quite a few things, and maybe that is quite terrifying, but someday soon, I will be sure. It’s not easy to keep ploughing on blindly through the storm, but the clouds will clear soon and I’m sure that the view will be stunning.

Paraphrasing from a song which means a great deal to me, "It is only when I was truly lost that it was possible for me to be found."

Perhaps that’s a lot to take away from periodically losing a few files off Dropbox, but to me, it’s the little things which perfectly illustrate the big things :)

#lost #metaphors #lostandfound