Bathtub Musings

And so, lockdown continues.

Despite having endless bags of time on my hands, I, like so many others, am struggling to be productive and get any work done.

I’m on the final draft of one of my essays, but I’ll confess that I haven’t even started the other two yet, and

I’ve got two weeks before the deadline…

So, that’s fun.

A couple of days ago, my mum cleaned out the bathroom. Doing her habitual reshuffle of everything (which I’ll be honest and say I don’t often understand the reasoning behind) she declared to me when it was done that “we now have an adult bathroom.” I laughed at this and asked her what exactly an adult bathroom was in her definition. She explained that it was the presence of candles and bottles of bubble bath dotted around the bathtub instead of rubber ducks and crazy foam aerosols. When I sat in the bath later that day, having performed the ritual of lighting the candles, adding the sweet-smelling bubble bath and relaxing deeply into the soapy warmth, I thought of what mum had said again. And it occurred to me that she was right; this room was no longer a place for kids. As the years had passed, I’d noticed various rooms falling to the “adultness” - notably first the lounge when it stopped being littered with kids’ toys. The kitchen had followed, becoming a place of practical cooking instead of weekend child baking with interesting textures and flavours. And now the bathroom was a sanctuary of relaxation, not a place of play at the end of the day. I’ve grown up in this house, but until that moment I hadn’t noticed the house growing up around me. I was the last child in the house so it made sense that when I started to become more of an adult, the child influence in the house would disappear.

Growing up isn’t really a process you notice within yourself. Or at least I don’t remember noticing it as it happened to me.

I remember the stage as a teenager when I felt grown up. I wanted autonomy and independence, and felt I was ready for it.

I remember the realisation that I wasn’t grown up at all and was still very much dependant.

This year, I lived away from home for the longest period I ever have, and when I returned, I was surprised by how much and yet how little had changed. This time last year I was preparing to finish my high school education. I was looking forward to seeing the world outside of the bubble in which I had lived. I wanted an adventure. I was excited for everything.

I was still a little girl, even though I didn’t realise it. Despite all the things I had learned, and the maturity which I perceived I had, I was still naïve to a lot of the world around me.

Now, a year on, I feel more like a young woman. The world is still wide open to me, but I see it now with new eyes.

Do you ever look back at those “on this day” posts?

My best friend sent me one of those the other day, and I looked at the photo of myself in surprise.

Because until that moment, I hadn’t realised how much I had changed physically in the space of a year.

One of my other best friends told me yesterday that he had been thinking “that time is relative and not absolute”.

Once he explained what he meant, I realised that it’s completely true.

Time can feel long and short at the same time.

So much has happened this year that it feels like a lifetime.

And yet, realistically, a year is not a long time.

I wonder what life will be like one year from today…

Some people saying change isn’t a good thing. I disagree. Change can be a good thing if you let it be.

And honestly, although I’ve changed a lot this year, I don’t think I’ve ever been better.

#bathtubmusings #reflection #growingup