Learning To Be Me

{The observant among you may have noticed the new section on this page for aspiring writers – if that applies to you, do go investigate and sign up for one of the projects – I’m very excited about them and would love to hear from you}

For those of you who follow me on Instagram (@roxyelle01), you may have seen that I’m not posting a YouTube video tomorrow. I said ominously that I would try to explain my reasoning for that in this post. And I’m going to try my best.

So here goes:

Over the past weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot of stuff over. Having a lot of time on your hands with uni tends to do that to you, I guess.

I know that since coming to uni, my life has changed astronomically. To the point where I realise I’m not the same person I was a month ago.

I finally feel comfortable in my own skin; I don’t feel as if I have to pretend to be anything I’m not anymore. I’m wonderfully weird, and that’s a good thing around here.

I have some amazing friends who boost me and never fail to put a smile on my face. We have so many golden moments between us that thinking of them now makes me laugh.

I’ve been on proper nights out, danced until 2 in the morning, laughed until my face hurt. I’ve eaten cheesy chips in the middle of the night and the pouring rain and never felt happier.

I’ve taken risks. I’ve let myself be vulnerable and stopped putting up barriers. I’ve freed myself from the constraints that I didn’t even realise existed all around me.

I’ve found a group of people who help me be a better version of myself. Together we can make hilariously funny or incredibly moving work. We respect, trust and love each other for who we are.

After a stint of writer’s block, writing inspiration is all around me. I feel more alive to the world around me, and there are hidden gems everywhere if you’re looking for them.

And most of all, I’ve learned to express myself. Whether that’s emotionally, physically or mentally; I’m no longer afraid to express what’s inside me, and it’s the most amazingly beautiful feeling.

So overall, I guess the main takeaway is that even over this short time, I’m a whole new person, who’s really happy.

When I first started this blog two years ago, I had no idea where it would go. I just wanted someplace to be myself.

As the time has flown by, I’ll admit that I’ve lost sight of that from time to time. I’ve been thinking about what I should be to suit everyone else’s needs and never really sat back to think about what it was that I wanted.

That doesn’t work for me anymore. At the risk of sounding exceptionally cheesy, and I know my high school classmates will mock me for it, I am me, and I’m not ashamed of that person anymore.

I’ve decided to direct the blog towards what I’m really passionate about: books, nerdy stuff, writing and a little bit of drama here and there. After all, we all love a bit of drama *dramatic wave of the hands*

I never made my blog about a specialist subject initially as I didn’t feel I knew enough about anything to specialise in something. But I’m going to stop doubting myself for the first time and take a chance on my ideas before I decide they don’t work.

I’ve made a few rough plans for what I’m going to be doing in the next couple of weeks. I’ve still got a few ideas to finalise, but I hope that you guys will enjoy this risky journey we’re all about to embark upon.

I don’t exactly know where that path is going to take me right now, but it’s going to be an amazing journey I’m sure. I’ll figure it as I go, which is really how I’m intending to live most of life right now.

I’ve decided to drift with the current and experience as much of the good and the bad of life as I possibly can. This is my chance to do it, and I fully intend to take it. No more waiting for life to begin.

Not knowing where you’re going is scary, but it’s part of life. I want to take those risks and be scared. I want to find the golden moments. I want to fill my heart with happiness, because I know I deserve it just like everyone else does.

So, what does this mean for Roxy Elle? Well, there are going to have to be a few changes to my blog/YouTube/Instagram.

I’m not going to post a YouTube video every week; it’s too much pressure to put on myself every week, and I know that the quality of my videos has been suffering because of that pressure. Quality videos over quantity videos I’ve decided.

I’m going to stop beating myself up about not doing my diary entries every day; it’s just not possible every day. (I know that doesn’t directly affect you guys, but I thought you might like to know)

I’m going to write about stuff I’m passionate about and stop filling the internet with yet more rubbish that we all know it doesn’t need.

I’m not going to pretend I know anything about beauty, fashion or what’s in style; I’m sure we all know that I don’t by now.

I may not keep my Instagram account constantly updated with feed posts and stories; when you’re busy living a rather full life, it’s not so easy to update your content all the time ;)

I guess what I’m asking you all to do is accept me for me. The real me. The nerdy, silly, passionate, introverted young woman who still doesn’t quite know what she’s doing with herself. But she hopes that you’ll stick around and help her figure it out.

I have considered doing this so many times in the past but never actually did because I was worried that you guys would judge me for being who I am. My social life has never been particularly smooth, so my biggest fear was that if I was fully true to myself, you’d be scared off.

So why now? Well, a very wise friend of mine (who would deny this as he underestimates his intelligence, even though I keep telling him – sorry for quoting you but it was particularly good) told me about a week ago that “the ones who judge you just made it clear that they are officially the worst people ever to include in your life” and I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard anything more true.

If, like me (particularly since I started exposing myself to general opinion by way of social media and the internet), you always worry about people judging every single thing you do, take my friend’s advice and remember that people who judge you are the worst people in your life and not worth the effort.

I truly believe that you guys are some of the best people in my life, and so I’m testing that theory with all of this. I know it’s a lot, but we can do it :)

I’m finally going to put into practice what I’ve been advising you all this time – believe in yourself and anything is possible.

Have a great weekend.

#selfdiscovery #learningtobeme #university