New Year, New Decade, New Mantra

Depending on when you guys read this post, Happy New Year’s Eve/Happy New Year!

2020… how did that happen? The end of a decade! I’m still trying to wrap my head around that one.

The first decade change I was around for, I barely noticed it. At 8 years old, I didn’t realise the significance or opportunities of a new decade. But this time, things are VERY different, and I intend to see the new decade in appropriately.

As you’re reading this, I’m in London for the New Year’s fireworks and I could not be more excited if I tried. Having watched the London firework show on the TV for every year I remember, I can’t believe I’m finally here in real life. I’ve been asking to come down to London for New Year for I don’t know how many years and I can just tell it’s going to be an awesome evening.

I’ve heard a lot of people saying that this year has flown by, but honestly for me, New Year’s Eve 2018 seems a long time ago. So much has happened in the space of a year – I graduated high school, I moved to Exeter, I took the first steps towards realising my dream of becoming an author, and too many other firsts to mention.

Cheesy as it sounds, if you’d have told me last New Year’s how much would have changed in a year’s time, I wouldn’t have believed you. I remember that evening as specifically as if it were yesterday, and yet I feel very far away from the person I was.

I was saying to my mum the other day that this year has felt like three different years rolled in to one – one for finishing high school and the emotions of that, another for the long summer holidays, and then a final one for the mind-blowing adventure that has been uni.

A new year means different things to different people. For some, it’s just an annoyance every time in January that you write the wrong year in the date. For others, it means a fresh start and the chance to make some new goals.

Usually, I would be in the latter column, but this year things are a bit different.

Whilst preparing for today’s post, I re-read my New Year’s post from last year, thinking I’d continue the tradition of reviewing my resolutions from the year before.

And then, as I read through them, I realised that I hadn’t actually achieved any of them.

Last year me would have been really disappointed by that. She would have felt defeated by the fact that she hadn’t done everything she set out to do.

This year me acknowledges that although I didn’t do what I set out to do, I’ve got a lot to be proud of as I look back on 2019. It hasn’t been an easy year for me, but I never stopped fighting to get to where I am right now.

2019 has been a year full of lessons. Parts have been good, parts have been bad, but everything I’ve been through has taught me something.

2019 has also been a year of new experiences. Of taking risks and committing myself. Of feeling truly alive.

And that was one of my wishes this time last year, so I can say at least that I achieved that.

This year has been filled with some of the most alive moments of my whole life.

This decade has taught me to be pretty bullet proof. My personal strength has been tested so many times, and if I could go back in time and look into the eyes of the sweet and innocent eight year old girl I was, I would just give her a big hug to prepare her for everything she has to go through.

And all the other times throughout this decade where times were tough, I would tell that girl that things will get better. That one day she will be able to smile at herself again and hold her head high. That one day she will feel like she belongs, and the shields she has built will be able to come down.

All these things happened for me this year. It wasn’t all sunshine and roses the whole time, but I finally accepted that some days it’s ok to not be ok. And that you can’t expect anyone to trust you if you don’t trust them back, so those shields don’t protect you, they isolate you.

Over this decade, my soul has been bruised more than once. I’ve felt lonely and vulnerable. I’ve felt excluded and as if my back was against the wall. I’ve failed. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve been desperately insecure about everything and had little self-esteem. I’ve felt like my heart couldn’t take anymore hurt.

But through everything, I’ve never stopped fighting. I’ve learned to be strong whilst retaining my romantically hopeful outlook on life.

I have discovered so much about myself in this past decade. I’ve discovered that I have a strong spirit and I’m a dreamer. I know that I’m an introvert with her own set of hang ups to fight on a daily basis.

I’m going to keep reaching for the stars and constantly reminding myself that I deserve more than I think I do. I know that some days those little voices in my head will overpower that, but I’m not going to give up.

I’m going to be a good and open-hearted person, no matter how others treat me, because that’s the person I want to be in this world.

And most importantly, I’m going to keep making stupid mistakes. They’re a fact of life, and they make good stories in the long run. As I reflect on those mistakes I’ve made up to this point, I know that they had to be made for some reason or another, and I wouldn’t change a thing.

I finish this year and this decade hopeful. I’m glad to be ending the chapter of 2019, but I have no regrets, and that’s what’s important. I don’t know much about the future, but I’m optimistic.

As we go into the new chapter of 2020, I’ve decided to leave the baggage of this decade on this page-turn. The past is in the past, and I’m only taking positive things forward. The negative stuff can stay here and stop casting shadows in my life.

I know that it’s not that simple, but that is my only new year’s resolution. I’m going to use this decade as a fresh start and I’m going to work hard for the above to become true. Everyone has been hurt and everyone has their baggage, but it’s their decision as to how much weight they make themselves carry because of it.

If you know how I feel and have your own things that need to be left behind, I encourage you to use the page-turn positively too.

As this year ends, I know pretty much nothing about the future. I don’t know what I want to do with my life after uni, or even what I want to study at uni for that matter. I don’t know what’s happening in my love life or my friendship circles. I don’t even know what I’m doing tomorrow.

But I’ve decided there’s something pretty wonderful in not knowing. Uncertainty can be exciting.

So, screw the need to plan.

“Life is short. The world is wide. I want to make some memories.”

In ten years, I have no idea where I’m going to be, and I have no specific goals apart from this; to be happy. If in 2029 I can say that I am truly happy with the life I’m leading, or I’m still pursuing that happiness, then that’s alright by me.

And I wish the same for all of you in the next year and decade to follow.

Happy New Year and good luck with any goals you might have. I really hope that this year is your year :)

#newyearsresolutions #goodbye2019 #lifeisshorttheworldiswide