Stage Fright

This week in school we’ve been talking a lot about what we want to do in the future. Depressing subject for some people as they don’t really know what they want to do for university, career, etc.

Then there’s those poor people who know exactly what their life plan is because someone has chosen it for them i.e. a parent, teacher or friend. I suppose that having the decision taken from you makes life simpler, but I know for a fact I would never be happy like that.

And then there is people like me; ones who have dreams but are not sure if they’ll get there. For instance, my friend’s life plan relies on the fact that she passes this test she is taking in a few weeks. Her dream is to study in America, and if she doesn’t pass this test, she won’t be accepted. It’s very nerve-wracking for her, and I think this reminder of how close we all are to making or breaking our future has hit home with all my friends.

So, the future has been on my mind quite a bit this week. I have a provisional plan, but obviously we can’t rely on the fact that everything will go just as planned (really life seldom does).

For the first time, I plucked up the courage a few weeks ago to sit down with my mum and tell her exactly what I wanted to do with my life. It seems pretty clear in my mind, and I felt that I needed to share it with someone.

My mum was really supportive and helpful, and we addressed what we need to do in the next few years to make those dreams a reality. She really believes that I should have the opportunity to try, if nothing else, and that is what I intend to do.

As we were talking, one matter came up that I thought I would like to discuss with you guys today. Stage fright. For many years now, I have had very bad stage fright and camera shyness that in many instances has prevented me from taking advantages of opportunities coming my way.

Now for what I want to do, I need to be confident in myself and not have stage fright. I’ve known this for a long time, and a few years ago I even considered giving up on my dreams due to my stage fright. I am so happy that in the place I’m in now I am determined to overcome that which holds me back instead of letting it keep me down.

Anyway, my mum and I were discussing my stage fright, and I told her firmly that I was going to overcome it. I didn’t know how at that point, but I decided that I was going to do it. Somehow 😉

Thinking it through, I thought about the best way to solve a problem; find out how it started. As far as I can remember, I’ve always been an oxymoron in the way that I love performing but am scared to do it.

When talking with my mum, she told me that as a young child I had not had stage fright at all. Apparently, I had always been confident to sing or act on stage, and when my mum asked me how I did it, little me used to say that it wasn’t really me performing.

If that doesn’t make sense to you, it didn’t make sense to me or my mum either. As I was about five, I understand that I wasn’t quite as sage as I appear now. What I think I meant to say was that the essence of performing is putting on a show; not being the bog-standard version of yourself but being an augmented and interesting version. If that is what I meant, I must have been a smart kid 😊

So, taking the advice of little me seems quite logical. I added that to my bank of things to remember.

Wanting to know more, I thought it would be interesting to question a few of my friends. I have loads of friends who love to perform like I do, and I can’t say that it ever occurred to me that they could have stage fright like I do. To me, they always seem totally confident. They don’t flush bright red or look like they want to be sick, so I never thought that they could possibly be feeling the same way as I always do.

Four out of the six friends I talked to said that they suffered from varying degrees of stage fright. Now, I’m not good at maths, but that is a big percentage I think. If we applied that to a bigger group, it’s fair to say that more than half of the people we asked would say they had stage fright.

One of my friends, who I will call Elizabeth for now (she would get that reference), is super confident all the time. I described my stage fright to her, and she simply shrugged her shoulders and said that she had never felt anything like that. Ever since she was a child, performing had never phased her. She couldn’t really explain why.

Another of my friends, who’s codename will be Pru (yet again another reference I think she would understand), is one of the best singers/performers I have ever met. She is not only a lovely and super confident girl, but also an amazing singer. So, when I asked her about stage fright, I expected her to be in the it-doesn’t-bother-me category.

But it seems I was wrong. Pru gets stage fright too, but unlike me, she doesn’t let it hold her back. When she’s feeling scared, she tells herself that she can do what she’s about to, takes a deep breath and just goes for it. And it always goes just the way she wants it to.

Now, comparing the two performers, one who is always confident on stage and one who doubts herself a little, I can’t see a difference when I watch them perform. They both emulate confidence and there isn’t a shred of stage fright in either of them.

Obviously, I’ve never watched myself perform because that’s literally impossible, but any close friends or family members always say that they can tell I’ve got stage fright when I’m singing. My cheeks flush, my ears go red, my hands shake, and I start gripping my clothes. So, I decided to try and calm myself before I go on stage and see if I could work on my outward appearance. Because my appearance is only reflecting what I feel inside. If I feel calm, then surely, I would look calm.

The final exploration on my little journey involved the other side of my performing; acting. I always get a little nervous before I go on stage to act, but that adrenaline always transforms into positive energy the minute I get on stage. For me, the feeling of being on stage is addictive. The rushing, heart pounding feeling you get has always been something I’ve loved. Like when you go on a rollercoaster (I don’t like rollercoasters, but this is how people describe it usually) and you feel so elated with energy when you’re on it.

This year has been really hard for me because I decided not to do the school play, and although I stand by that decision, I have missed preparing for a performance. Nothing can replicate the excitement I feel when I’m stood in costume getting ready to go on stage.

So, how can I crave one type of performing and yet feel sick at the thought of another? It doesn’t make any sort of sense, does it? I had a bit of a think about it, and it cracked; personally, singing feels so much more exposed that acting. Usually when you’re acting, you are on the stage with people, so you have that sort of support.

I love doing monologues in drama too, and I wondered how that logic of being with people then made sense. But often when you’re doing a monologue, you are addressing other characters on stage too, you just can’t see them. So, you’re not alone ever.

It could be the same with singing I figured, so I added that to my list of tips and tricks to overcome stage fright too. My imaginary partner Austin, who I keep around me whenever I’m performing at the moment, really helps me. I know some of you are thinking I’m totally bonkers right now, but if any of you are struggling with stage fright, try it out. Imagine that there is always a person who has got your back, and for me it seemed like I instantly had the confidence to do things I never knew.

I’m still practising thinking about being the augmented version of myself on stage, being calm inside and out, and using Austin as a help, but I think my singing is getting better and stronger because of these things. I really recommend giving it a try if you have similar stage fright to me, and who knows, we could all overcome it together.

My stage fright is not going to control me anymore. Once I feel like I am ready, I am going to try and get a performance opportunity and see what I can do. I’m going to keep updating you guys on the topic, because it is something really close to my heart. It hurts me every time I hear about people who didn’t try something they dreamed about because of fear, and I am determined to not be that person despite being shy.

And I want my journey to inspire people. I want to help people who feel like I do. I want to show that you don’t have to be what someone says you are, and that you are only limited by your own ambition and fear. If I can do that for you guys, I will feel liked I’ve made a difference to at least a few people, and that is all I want.

I love you guys so much and I could never thank you enough for your continued support. You guys mean the world to me, and I know for a fact I would not be where I am now if it wasn’t for this blog and the courage it has given me. Talk to you all next week.

#stagefright #fears #journey