Who Are You?

That time of week again? It seems to come around so quickly recently. The weeks are flying by at lightning speed. I’ve had so much work to do this week, I’ve barely had time to breathe, let alone consider taking a break to destress.

For those of you who know me, you know I’m not a stressed-out person. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I never get stressed. I organise my life to the last second to avoid stress, and when things go wrong, I’m usually the one who is calming everyone down.

But not this week. For some reason, it’s been a little too much. I’ve been feeling very emotionally wrought, tired and panicky.

If you’ve been reading my diary entries (if you haven’t you should), you will know that on Wednesday I finally took that space. And I’m so glad I did. Because I was about to hit overload. I had a yoga session as my PE yesterday, and when we were meditating at the end, I had a major flashback to doing the same class with my best friend.

I don’t really know why, but the memory calmed me down, and I just felt the unnecessary weight that had been on my shoulders fall off. I felt more myself than I had in days. And as I continued on with my day, I realised how jittery and on edge I’d been. Everything seemed back to normal, and even my mum noticed the change in me.

And now, I’m left with a strange reflective feeling. I found myself talking quite naturally about something with my friends yesterday that I usually don’t because it upsets me. I didn’t feel affected by the retelling of the story at all. Last week, I had been talking about the same thing, and it was so painful. Just like it has always been.

But now, everything is different. I don’t know, maybe it’s perspective or something, but I don’t feel anything anymore. Of course I remember what happened and that’s tough, but it doesn’t touch me the same way it used to.

I think they call that sort of thing personal growth. If that’s right, I’ve definitely grown a considerable amount these past two weeks. And I am left with a lot to think of.

So, whilst I am reflecting on myself and other things, I thought I’d give you guys something to reflect upon yourselves. Or rather, I thought I’d give you a few things to help you reflect.

Warning: this is about to get very deep for a Friday afternoon. If you don’t think you can do that, I’d suggest stopping here and coming back next week.

I thought we could start this with a simple question: who are you?

When asked this question, most people will reply with their name. But that’s not really very true is it? You aren’t just your name. You are a complex structure of many different parts that nobody, sometimes not even yourself, truly knows or understands.

So, who are you?

How do you identify yourself?

What do you like?

What don’t you like?

Why do you think you are the way you are?

Why do you love what you love?

Do you like the person that you are?

All these questions are valid. Hard to answer perhaps, but valid. And they make you who you are. As I said before, we are all complicated. In our own definitive ways. Everyone has a story. I know that as a writer. Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone has successes. Everyone has scars. Everyone knows life in their own particular way.

I’m not sure how well I’ll do, but I would like to try and answer the question of who I am. I’d like to show you guys who I am. I’d like to fully know myself. I know that is impossible, but hopefully I can give you an insight. If you feel able to, I’d love you to have a go yourself. Share in the comments, tag me in a post on Instagram (RoxyElle01), or just write this out for yourself as a declaration of your individuality.

My name is Roxanne.

I love listening to music, writing, dancing even though I’m not good, singing and acting. I like pastel colours and the smell of cinnamon and oranges because they remind me of Christmas. I like to watch the rain and walk about in the drizzle because I love the feel of the rain drops on my face. I like cool breezes that blow through my hair and the freedom that you feel when you run as fast as you can. I love laughing until you’re breathless and can’t see straight. I love watching people and witnessing the little moments between them. Two people walking down the street holding hands. A little boy dancing in front of an old man busking on a corner. A person walking their dog and talking to it as if it’s a person. I love feeling things that you can’t explain or vocalise. I like lying down in my bed in the dark, looking up at the ceiling and feeling peaceful. I like sleeping with no pajama bottoms because I like the feel of the bedsheets on my legs and lower back. I love singing at the top of my lungs in a big acoustic, knowing that no one will hear you but feeling such power with such a sound. I like seeing my friends laugh because they are all so beautiful. I love planning facetimes and phone calls with my best friends days in advance so that we can download our lives over the screen, the sight or sound of each other the best thing in the world. I love listening to love songs, even though I’m not in love, because it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I love loud music that overloads your senses. I love savouring the taste of food, scribbling ideas into a notepad before you forget them, getting so absorbed in a book that you feel like you’re living an idea. I crave change. I love dreaming. I love travelling and feeling the atmosphere of amazing places. I love finding private places that I feel are just for me. I love intimacy. I love words. I believe in fate. I love having a place to free my thoughts on the internet. I love playing the guitar, even though I’m not good, and feeling the beat of a good song. I love the harmonies of duets and the perfection of a nice tune even when I don’t understand how it works. I am a caring person and am immensely grateful for all my friends and family every day.

I hate tomatoes. I don’t like show-offs. I don’t like talking about the past as it is in the past and isn’t going to help you move forward. I hate repetition and being in a rut. I can’t believe in a life without love. I can’t think that some people are fundamentally bad people. I don’t like early mornings, but I love the crisp cold of an early morning when I do have to get up. I am fiercely protective of my friends and hate anyone who hurts or spurns them. I never think of myself as a victim of anything. I make myself grow. I don’t believe that good things can come without work. I hate people who try to be overly clever. Sometimes I need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I am weak. Sometimes I get angry. Sometimes I lie. Sometimes I get grouchy.

I live for things that make me happy and things that surprise me. I am a product of everything I’ve ever done, been, said and seen. I don’t have regrets. I want to live a free life that is lived to the fullest. And I’m not ashamed to say that I love myself. I didn’t use to love myself. Sometimes I didn’t even like myself. But I do love myself, and I think we should all try to love ourselves a little bit. You can’t love anyone else fully if you don’t love yourself first.

#identity #selfworth #personalgrowth