Week Twelve: "Get out the knots"

The final week of the course focussed on revising and reviewing our work for our final submissions. This was the message on the module page:

"Well done! You've made it to the end of the course. By now you should have a story or a couple of stories nearly ready for submission.

Your seminar tutor will talk you through the final editing process. However, you might want to do the following:

1. Make sure you read the story aloud to yourself, or to someone else. There's not better way to spot problems. If you find it had to say or cringe when saying it, then think about changing it if you can.

2. Have you got the balance right between scenic action and narrative exegesis/ development?

3. Do you begin your scene as late as possible and get out as early as possible?

4. Does your dialogue reveal character rather than impart information?

5. Does description of places, things and objects further our knowledge of the characters in the story? If not, take the descriptive padding out.

6. Is your use of verb tense appropriate and consistent. There's nothing worse for disrupting the illusion of a story than moving between the past and present tense within a paragraph without an extraordinarily good, formal reason.

7. Be consistent in you punctuation and layout of the story on the page. Once you've established a convention, stick to it, so that we can see it as a stylistic choice and reward you for it if the choice is appropriate."

Taking the above into account in my editing and refining process before the submission date will be really helpful I'm sure. I feel as if there is a lot of ambiguity of what should be kept in and what should be left out when editing a story, but I think these pointers will help me redraft my stories to the best of my abilities.

The final submission brief is to submit "one or more short stories totalling 3,500 words."

Is it better to expand one of the pieces or submit a few? For me at this stage, I feel it would be more natural to submit multiple pieces instead of extending one of my pieces, but this all depends on word count and how my redrafting process naturally expands the pieces.

I chose to use my time this week reviewing all the pieces I've written over the course of the term to see which ones I felt best exemplified the skills that I have learned. I think the most workable pieces are the second person piece I wrote from week 10, and the complicated romance story from week 4.

I've already had feedback on the week 10 and week 4 pieces. The feedback and redraft of my week 4 piece, I've already put in the week 6 post (see Week 6: Redraft), but I thought I would post my feedback and attempt a small redraft on my week 10 piece below (after seminar notes).

Here are my notes from the seminar and the tips and tricks for the editing process that we discussed:

- Don’t overedit the piece so it loses its original energy

- Consider the rhythm of your sentences

- Don’t end your sentences on small words – create the sense of moving forward in leaving the main clause of the sentence until the end.

- What are the sounds in your story? Are there any sounds?

- What about the tone/register? Is that consistent

- The musical effects of language.

- Avoid cliches – more freshness and honesty (making your moments/emotions seem realistic/authentic)

- Expressive power – precision of language and a vivid handling of imagery and idiom

- What language devices are you using? Metaphor? Oxymoron?

- If it’s a well-known phrase, it’s probably a cliché – find a different way to phrase it as this phrase will most likely have lost its power and energy

- Complex and interesting characters

- Compelling and believable dialogue

- Enjoyable reads – exciting plots and structures, compelling beginnings and resonant endings

- Close observation, vivid descriptions

- An understanding of structure and development

- Presentation is key: spelling, punctuation, grammar, syntax, layout.

What we've learned:

- Transformation – not “how to write” but “how to say what you really mean” – the concept of imaginative empathy

- Description – focussing on “where am I?” bringing places to life on a specific level and larger location – does the description add to the story? If not, remove it

- Character – how to create a complex character with many layers of personality – also how characters change and develop through the narrative

- “Objects of attention” – what is the importance of props? How can we utilise them to move the story along?

- Point of view – how can perspective/tone of voice convey meaning in the story?

- Dialogue – allow it to just be dialogue and not a device to deliver information in a forced manner

- Structure – how can structure affect a story? Have you got an appropriate balance of tense moments vs easier moments?

- Life writing – an engaging and coherent retelling of real-life experiences – can include self-reflections and personal emotions, but don’t leave them unfiltered.

- Read the story aloud when editing

- If you find it hard to say or cringe when saying it, then consider changing it.

- Change typeface or print it off to give yourself distance/objectivity

- Is your verb tense appropriate and consistent?

- Be consistent in your punctuation – once you establish a convention, stick to it

- Avoid long and complicated sentences – but remember to vary sentence length

- Go straight in – don’t explain things too much – perhaps you could change the Morwenna story to begin where she’s at the cafe?

- Focus on images – what tableaus can you find in the piece?

- Are there any repeated moments or overexplained phrases?

- What vivid details can you include?

Feedback on second person piece:

Person 1 - sweet, delicate crush - elated and joyful - could have been a male or female narrator- the "journey of desire" - her passion and delight with it all - the conclusion felt definitive - particularly liked the phraseology of "treasured" - in that moment it meant everything - they liked the contrast between the "in-the-moment" and then later - would an extension of the story see the characters remaining friends?

Person 2 - read from a male perspective initially; is this to do with him being a male reader, or a traditional cis-relationship bias? - identified the bildungsroman style - captured the inner thoughts/emotions well (perhaps this is why the second-person narrative appealed to the male gender in his mind) - liked the final line; good wrap up - sounds familiar but isn't a recognisable quote - the naturality of the description of dance - perhaps could expand on this if continuing?

Person 3 - read from a female perspective from the beginning; is this because of her gender, or because she knows that as a female writer I favour female characters? - she found it very relatable - found the emotions captivating

Seminar Leader - This is gripping and sexy, and I like the crisp move through time with your 3 scenes. The narrative arc swoops up to the height of ecstasy, down to the depths and then along a level sort of resolution at the end. It's ok that you haven't told us what happened, and we can feel glad that 'you' has managed to find happiness in the end. I enjoyed the use of the 2nd person, and the way you haven't named her and you do name Alex. The only thing to attend to are a few cliches - shivers going down spine, task at hand, a warm glow over your body, fire in her eyes, gaping hole, soft smiles - that sort of thing. And you say that Alex's kisses are full of soul, implying that hers weren't, but you have described her kisses in a way that seems deeply soul-filled.

----redraft----

- One:

You’re shaking as you walk up behind her. You’ve quietly admired her for weeks, her celestial beauty outshining the stars themselves. She’s the kind of woman that walks into the room and commands all the attention on her with her electric glowing magic. Her vivacity. Her love for life. It’s infectious and addictive; you are constantly drawn to her. Watching her dance is like artistry.

And now you have been paired with her. Have to touch her. For the very first time.

Gliding your hands up her torso, breathing her in as a ricochet of excitement vibrates through you, your breath unsteady in your lungs. She’s bold, sexy and confident, everything you wish you were. This is more than admiration you realise; this is adoration.

You try to keep your mind on the dance without much success. Her delicate perfume is irresistible and alluring. After a few fumbles, she grasps your hands in hers, and you feel your heart stop for a few miliseconds. She shows you the correct movement, smiling softly over her shoulder. Your returning smile is shakey, and your heart kickstarts once more.

From that moment, the exercise feels as natural as breathing. It becomes difficult for you to define where you end and she begins; you both move as one. Your once ungainly actions take on her delicate elegance.

When they choreograph the final section, you can her the sound of your heart beating in your ears. They want you to what? She smiles at you once more, encouraging you to do as they have directed.

You crouch low behind her, wetting your lips as you attempt to remember to breathe. Your hands shake uncontrollably as you reach out to softly place your hands on her ankles. As you make contact with her soft skin, you feel sparks explode up your fingertips. You glare at your hands; they seem too rough and worn when compared to the perfect delicacy of her milky ankles.

Slowly, barely daring to breathe, you trace the gentle pathway up her calves, coiling your way up her thighs and over her hips, reaching your journey’s end at her sensuous waist.

Your eyes drift shut without your own volition, and for a second you feel as if there is no one else in the room other than you and her.

The instructor’s voice cuts through your illusion sharply, and you drop your hands like lightning. She turns slowly to face you, a smile playing on her lips. Is it just your besotted imagination, or is there something in her eyes that wasn't there before? Perhaps it was clear that your caress was that of a lover, not of a dance partner. An unworthy worshiping at the likeness of the deity.

Her musical voice forms words that you don’t understand, and before you can respond, she drifts away like a wisp of air, leaving you feeling elated and emptied all at the same time.

- Two:

You’ve never cared for nightclubs. They don’t allow you to dance with the same freedom that you can in the studio. The rhythmic pulse of the repetitive songs doesn’t hold the same magic for you as Debussy or Tchaikovsky.

But you’re here because she’s here. If only for the pleasure of watching her glide through the raucous crowds, glowing as if she had her own personal follow spot. Most of the time, she doesn’t even notice you, but that’s alright. You’ll still be there at the end of the night to walk her home and know she’s safe. You would endure hell itself for the heavenly two minutes where she throws her arms around you and hugs you to her.

Tonight is different though; your hackles are up as you watch the predatory males circling her like prey. You eye each of them in turn, assessing that none of them are worthy enough to come within five steps of your precious queen.

Fighting your way anxiously through the crowds, you come up beside her and draw her closer to you. “I don’t like the way that guy’s staring at you.” You shout in her ear above the music, indicating the closest contender sauntering his way towards you.

She glances over to him swiftly and nods, allowing you to take her hand and drag her away through the pit of people.

When you’re safely ensconced in a far corner of the room where no one can see you, you let out a breath of relief. She was safe now. Safe.

“What would I do without you?” She asks lightly, laughter in her voice.

You smile at her silently. She will never have to find out if you have any say in the matter.

“No, seriously.” She takes a step closer to you, glancing down at your lips. You see that same look in her eyes as was present at the end of your dance.

“Have you ever kissed a girl, Chloe?” Her voice has dropped in tone, making her sound like a seductress in the half-light.

Your palms begin to sweat as she moves even closer, reaching out softly and placing a hand around your waist. “Have you ever kissed anyone?”

A few particles of air are all that stands between you now as you shake your head, swallowing hard. Slowly, she wets her lips with her tongue, and tilts her head ever so slightly that her lips almost brush your own, slipping her right hand softly into the curls of your hair as she does so.

Her gaze dips between your lips and your eyes, and without thinking you reach your hands up around her neck, toying with her amazingly soft hair like you’ve been dying to for weeks.

“Would you like to?” She breathes, and suddenly conscious thought is impossible. After weeks of admiring her from afar, believing that you would have to forever keep your desires a secret, and knowing that you may never get another opportunity like this again, you close the gap and press your lips to hers as the loud music reverberates around you.

Your mind overloads with thoughts for a second.

And then you stop thinking.

The feeling is paradisical. Her lips are sweet, eager. No amount of time will ever be enough to savour this moment.

Everything other than her melts away around you. You are the only two people in the whole world. You feel overwhelmed by the feelings you’ve been attempting to quash for weeks; they threaten to drown you from within. Surely she feels it too?

Her hands slowly begin to shift, and reluctantly you release her, letting the world around slip back into awareness. As your faces meet, there is an intensity in her eyes that definitely wasn't there before

You can’t decide how you feel. She’s laughing, whilst your heart flutters uncontrollably in your chest. You smile. Beam, even.

Nothing verbal passes between you, but in that instant it’s like you’ve said everything there is to say. You wonder why you never saw it; that look in her eyes that is screaming how much she wants you. You thought you were the only one. You thought so many things…

Abruptly, her hand on your waist jerks you back into her kiss. She tastes amazing. You can’t stop laughing to yourself as you kiss her; over and over again, never wanting it to end. Not because it’s funny but because you are filled with such incredible happiness. Her scent overwhelms and envelops you like a warm blanket. Her hands on you are soft and tender, better than any imaginings could have conjured.

- Three:

You sit beside her in the crowded booth with all your friends. She’s changed her perfume since the last time you saw her. And the pixie cut; you’d heard she’d donated her long brown locks to the “Little Princess Trust” a couple of months before, but the reality suits her more than you had imagined it would.

You wait for the fluttering of your heart, or the feeling of pulling towards her. But no, it’s not there anymore. Is it possible that only a few months ago your soul was consumed by this person? For that is all she is. No longer a symbol of perfection to be worshipped.

It feels like a lifetime ago.

Was she ever even yours?

You glance across the table at her new girl; so very different from you. Her auburn hair falls around her face like ravaging flames and her face is softened with a smile. It seems that this girl has never known a single insecurity. Not like you. She’s a happy, beautiful girl. She’s never felt worthless. Never had her heart truly broken. Never had her soul crushed beneath someone’s feet.

But then again, Alex is nothing like she was. He's much more reserved, timid even, when compared to her. And although he's handsome in your eyes, he doesn't see himself that way. He has no pride or pretences, which you suppose is what you like about him the most. With him, you don’t feel as if you’re unworthy. You feel treasured.

He helped you repair the hole in your heart and fill it with something better.

You’re grateful to him; he’s shown you what love should be. A partner who loves you for who you are. A partner who won’t hurt you.

He’s gentle on your heart.

She told you once that love could burn. Maybe that was her way of warning you away.

The brightest stars burn the briefest after all.